Apple by name, and crApple by nature

 Apple  Comments Off
Apr 112011
 

Ah, what a month it has been dealing with that behemoth that is Apple Australia.

Firstly, there’s the Power Supply replacement issue. Then the Faulty Battery and “vanishing serial number on MY Applecare” issue – both blogged about here.

The only bright point to date has been the efforts of one of the (I’m assuming here) Customer Care people, named Jade, who bent over backwards to chase these issues down and to keep me informed. She even sent me a free Magic Mouse as “compensation” for all the hassles – not that I asked for or wanted compensation, but it was a nice and much appreciated gesture on her part.

Today, however, the gloves are OFF ! Were it possible for a human to spontaneously implode then I was as close to it as it is possible to come today !!

I replaced the battery in my MacbookPro about a week ago, as previously blogged, and ever since then I have had a niggling problem. Allow the machine to sleep, by closing the lid, and 30 minutes later you can’t wake it up !! Power it off, remove and replace the battery, and most of the time it will restart.

Until last night – no restart, no boot, no self-diagnostics. Nothing. Nada, Nyet.

So I do all the standard diagnostics – well, as many as I can (reset SMC, try to reset PRAM, etc). The “sleep” light comes on full and the superdrive heads move, the hard drive spins up, and then absolutely nothing. I even left the machine turned on for couple of hours while I watched TV just in case it “came good”. Nothing.

My first reaction was to take the laptop, covered by Applecare, to Mac1 at Burwood, where Francis (technician extraordinare) would have it put right in no time – however that was a tad inconvenient and as I work almost across the road from the Sydney Apple Store it also seemed a little pointless. After all, the “mother ship” should provide at least service as good as a reseller, if not better, right ?

Knowing how precious the Apple “geniuses” get if you turn up out of the blue, I dived on line and got the last Monday appointment, 4:30PM. Booked. Confirmed. As mandated by The Gods of Apple.

So today at work I had an epiphany – as I’d done all the diagnostics, essentially all the “work” that the “genius” would doubtless try to do, I booked the laptop in and received that most sacred of things, the Apple Case ID Number.

So I leave work today at 4:20PM and wander across the road to the Apple Store and check in. I was all checked in and standing at the “genius” Bar by 4:25PM. I’d done the right thing, I thought, I was here early and ready with my Case ID, for my 4:30PM appointment. After all, I live a 90 minute train ride from the CBD and I’d be out in the allocated 15 minutes (all Apple allow for these appointments).

At 4:35PM I approach one of the staff, someone with the beginnings of a mohawk haircut, and ask what’s happened to my 4:30PM appointment that APPLE INSIST UPON. “Oh, we’re running late. They’re not robots, they’ll get to you as soon as they can”. I told him that it wasn’t good enough, that if I make an appointment at Apple’s insistance, I EXPECT THEM TO HONOR IT. If I was late, for example, I’d expect to be told I’d have to wait, and that I should have been here on time – and rightly so. This guy’s response was “What do you want me to do?”. After I told him I wanted to be served NOW, that I had bothered to get an APPOINTMENT, he just said “As soon as we can”. He then wandered off.

Give it another 5 minutes, I thought.

Then someone who came in WITHOUT an appointment AFTER ME was ushered to the “bar”. Enough is enough.

4:45PM I approach a young lady who is checking people in and put my complaint to her about the inefficiency of the “appointment” system. Her response ? “We’re running behind” and then a shrug of the shoulders, effectively saying to me “I don’t really care”. I pointed out that her attitude was unacceptable and unprofessional and she just turned back to the next customer, ignoring me.

I’m eventually condecendingly seen at 4:57PM – a full 27 minutes AFTER my Apple-mandated appointment time. When I questioned the delay, and why this particular ponytailed gentleman had seen people that came in AFTER ME, I was told “Hey, I see who I’m told to see”.

He then proceded to try to do the diagnostics that I had ALREADY DONE THE NIGHT BEFORE, and again that morning – despite me telling him that I had done those and giving him the Apple Case ID Number. When I told him AGAIN that these had been done, he tried to book the machine in. Again, I had to point out that I had done his work for him in BOOKING IT IN WITH APPLE ON THE PHONE this morning.

I eventually was blessed with the obligatory “turn-around is about a week” and some paperwork. When I mentioned that I could have taken it to Mac1 at Burwood and would have it back far faster, his only response was “Would you like to do that ?”

Would that I had done that in the first place. My blood pressure wouldn’t have suffered anywhere near as much, that’s for sure !

Having missed my train due to the ineptitude of this system and having an hour to wait for the next one, I asked to see the Manager – s/he was not available. I voiced my disgust to one of the staff downstairs and was told “I’ll bring this up at our staff meeting” – Apple-speak for “Thank you, now piss off so I can forget what you said” !

With nothing better to do for the next hour I made at least 7 attempts to contact SOMEONE who knew what the hell they were doing in Apple and all I got was unconfigured voicemail boxes and/or unanswered phones. I eventually left a voicemail for someone who is allegedly the Manager of Customer Care – I expect I’ll never hear from them.

I am at my wits’ end with this poor excuse for a company – to the point where I am seriously considering NOT upgrading my MacbookPro and swapping my iPhone and iPad for the equivalent Android devices – such is my absolute disgust with the way they treat their customers. I can make OSX work on almost ANY INTEL HARDWARE, licence conditions be damned. If I PAY for the software, I’ll use it HOW I DAMN-WELL PLEASE !!!

And don’t get me started on the blatant LIES that they tell you when you enquire about products – in November “iPad2 sir ?  Certainly – we’re looking at 3rd quater 2011 for that”… bastards, I buy the iPad1 and the 2 is released less than 2 months later !!!

They have absolutely NO IDEA how to treat a customer post-sale – not that I’m asking them to fawn all over me, but treating me with respect and NOT CALLING ME MATE all the time would help.

Lob up with a pocket full of readies and want to buy a few bright shiny things ? They’ll fall all over themselves to please you. Turn up needing support or to ask a question and you’re treated like a leper.

Apple, if your “geniuses” cannot manage their own workload, or cannot keep to their timetable, or (as happened today) spend time in irrelevant “chit chat” with customers that are allowed in WITHOUT AN APPOINTMENT, then either get rid of the appointment system or STOP PEOPLE WALKING IN !

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 Posted by moldor at 23:48

New Preamble to the Australian Constitution?

 Humor  Comments Off
Apr 102011
 

WE, the People of the broad, brown land of Oz, wish to be recognized as a free nation of blokes, sheilas and the occasional trannie.

We come from many lands (although a few too many of us come from New Zealand) and, although we live in the best little country in the world, we reserve the right to bitch and moan about it whenever we bloody like.

We are One Nation but we’re divided into many States.

First, there’s Victoria, named after a queen who didn’t believe in lesbians. Victoria is the realm of Mossimo turtlenecks, cafe latte and grand final day. Its capital is Melbourne, whose chief marketing pitch is that it’s “livable”.

Next, there’s NSW. It is the realm of pastel shorts, macchiato with sugar, thin books read quickly and millions of dancing gay-boys. Its mascots are Bondi lifesavers who pull their Speedos up their cracks to keep the left and right sides of their brains separate.

Down south we have Tasmania, a State based on the notion that the family that bonks together stays together. In Tassie, everyone gets an extra chromosome at conception. Maps of the State bring smiles to the sternest faces.

South Australia is the province of half-decent reds, a festival of foreigners and bizarre axe murders. They had the Grand Prix, but lost it when the views of Adelaide sent the Formula One drivers to sleep at the wheel.

Western Australia is too far from anywhere to be relevant in this document.

The Northern Territory is the red heart of our land. Outback plains, sheep stations, kangaroos, jackaroos, emus, Ulurus and dusty kids with big smiles. Although the Territory is the centrepiece of our national culture, few of us live there and the rest prefer to fly over it on our way to Bali.

And there’s Queensland. While any mention of God seems silly in a document defining a nation of half-arsed agnostics, it is worth noting that God probably made Queensland. Why he filled it with dickheads remains a mystery.

We, the Lullaby League of Oz, are united, primarily by the Pacific Highway, whose treacherous twists and turns kill more of us each year than die by murder.

We are united in our lust for international recognition, so desperate for praise we leapt for joy when a ragtag gaggle of corrupt IOC officials tells us Sydney was better than Beijing.

We are united by a democracy so flawed that a political party, albeit a redneck gun-toting one, can get a million votes and still not win one seat in Federal Parliament. Desirable, sure. But fair? Not when you consider Brian Harradine can get 24,000 votes and runs the bloody country. Not that we’re whingeing.

We’ve chucked out the concept of “fair go” in the downsized ’90s. Instead, we want to make “no worries” our national phrase.

We love sport so much our newsreaders can read the death toll from a sailing race and still tell us who’s winning, in the same breath.

We treasure our politicians, who talk about listening with such persistence it’s hard to get a word in. We tolerate our Prime Minister, who is not only short but a Methodist, hanging offences in decent countries. And we like watching Parliament on TV because Natasha Stott Despoja is a total spunkrat.

We, the wicked witches of the land of Oz, want to make it clear this continent is ours and always has been. Mind you, Liberal Party polling shows that there were some people here before Captain Cook so we should address the issue once and for all.

While possession is nine-tenths of the law, our ancestors were fortunate enough to discover that genocide, cultural extinguishment, baby theft and flour poisoning make up the other tenth.

So Oz is now ours and that’s that. Our midget Methodist master says we have no reason to feel sorry for killing more Aborigines per capita than the Nazis did Jews and Liberal Party polling says we’re OK with that.

Why don’t we say sorry? In the words of our PM – because, because, because, because, because. Now, can we just drop the whole thing before the Olympics start?

Phew, with that nasty bit out of the way, we the Brain, the Heart and the Nerve of Oz, want the world to know we have the biggest rock, the tastiest pies and the worst-dressed Olympians in the known universe.

We don’t know much about art but we know we hate the people who make it. We shoot, we vote. We are girt by sea and pissed by lunchtime. And even though we might seem a racist, closed-minded, sports-obsessed little People, at least we’re better than the Kiwis.

Now bugger off, we’re sleeping.

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 Posted by moldor at 14:05

Star Trek Jokes

 Humor  Comments Off
Apr 062011
 

Collected from around the net, many (ok, MOST) are groan-worthy !!

  • Reality is for people who can’t handle Star Trek.
  • Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.
  • What does a Romulan frog use for camouflage? A croaking device.
    (Hey, it came from my 6yo !!!)
  • The Borg assimilated my species, and all I got was this lousy ocular implant.
  • Borg Answering Machine Message: WE ARE BORG. RESISTANCE IS FUTILE. YOU WILL BE ASSIMILATED. But we’re not home right now, so leave a message at the tone and we’ll assimilate you later.
  • We have engaged the Borg. The wedding will be Friday.
  • How many Borg does it take to change a light bulb? All of them.
  • How many Cardassians does it take to change a light bulb? That depends on how many lights you see.
  • How many Federation shuttles does it take to change a light bulb? None. Shuttlecraft don’t last as long as light bulbs.
  • How many members of the U.S.S. Enterprise does it take to change a light bulb? Seven. Scotty will report to Captain Kirk that the light bulb in the Engineering Section is burnt out, to which Kirk will send Bones to pronounce the bulb dead. Scotty, after checking around, notices that they have no more new light bulbs, and complains that he can’t see in the dark to tend to his engines. Kirk must make an emergency stop at the next uncharted planet, Alpha Regula IV, to procure a light bulb from the natives. Kirk, Spock, Bones, Sulu, and three security officers beam down. The three security officers are promptly killed by the natives, and the rest of the landing party is captured. Meanwhile, back in orbit, Scotty notices a Klingon ship approaching and must warp out of orbit to escape detection. Bones cures the native king who is suffering from the flu, and as a reward the landing party is set free and given all of the light bulbs they can carry. Scotty cripples the Klingon ship and warps back to the planet just in time to beam up Kirk et. al. The new bulb is inserted, and the Enterprise continues with its five year mission.
  • How many Pakleds does it take to change a light bulb? “What’s a light bulb?”
  • How many Romulans does it take to change a light bulb? Two. One to change the bulb and one to stab him in the back.
  • How many Vulcans does it take to change a light bulb? Approximately 1.0000000000.

    • Signs That STAR TREK is Taking Over Your Life:

    • Saying “engage,” “make it so,” or “I’m a doctor, not a …” in casual conversation.
    • Becoming indignant that the periodic table doesn’t include dilithium and tritanium.
    • Able to use “variable phase inverter” in a sentence without excessive thought first.
    • Have figured out the stardate system.
    • Being able to speak several nonexistent languages like Klingon, Romulan, or Bajoran.
    • You have rigged up your cellular phone or PDA to “chirp” when you open it.
    • You have more than one STAR TREK font installed on your computer.
    • You don’t need any of the references on this list explained to you.

    Things That Never Happen in STAR TREK:

  • The Enterprise runs into a mysterious energy field of a type it has encountered several times before.
  • The Enterprise goes to visit a remote outpost of scientists, who are all perfectly all right.
  • Someone visits the holodeck, and it works properly.
  • The crew of the Enterprise discovers a totally new life form, which later turns out to be a rather well-known old life form wearing a funny hat.
  • The crew of the Enterprise is struck by a mysterious plague, for which the only cure can be found in the well-stocked sickbay.
  • The Captain has to make a difficult decision about a less advanced people which is made a great deal easier by the Starfleet Prime Directive.
  • An enigmatic being composed of pure energy attempts to interface with the Enterprise’s computer, only to find out that it has forgotten to bring the right leads.
  • A power surge on the Bridge is rapidly and correctly diagnosed as a faulty capacitor by the highly-trained and competent engineering staff.
  • The Enterprise is captured by a vastly superior alien intelligence which does not put them on trial.
  • The Enterprise is captured by a vastly inferior alien intelligence which they easily pacify by offering it some sweeties.
  • The Enterprise visits an earth-type planet called “Paradise” where everyone is happy all of the time. However, everything is soon revealed to be exactly what it seems.
  • A major Starfleet emergency breaks out near the Enterprise, but fortunately some other ships in the area are able to deal with it to everyone’s satisfaction.
  • Spock (or Data) is fired from his high-ranking position for not being able to understand the most basic nuances of about one in three sentences that anyone says to him.
  • An intruder is unable to figure out how to use the transporter.
  • Someone on the Enterprise meets a long-estranged relative and doesn’t suffer emotional turmoil.
  • Someone attempts to hijack the Enterprise and is foiled by the alert and competent Security staff.
  • A member of the crew is taken over by an alien entity and everyone else finds it’s an improvement.
  • A systems failure on the Enterprise affects the artificial gravity generators and nothing else.
  • The Enterprise encounters a spatial anomaly and merrily ignores it.
  • An android race turns out to be completely friendly and not threatening or menacing in any way.
  • The mysterious a giant threatening object is on a direct course for some world other than Earth.
  • McCoy says, “He’ll live, Jim.”
  • Artificial intelligence and android technology make human exploration of the galaxy obsolete.
  • The crew beams down to a planet that requires them to wear space suits or that has a gravity so strong it prevents them from moving around.
  • An information exchange with a vastly superior race directly leads to new technology and an improvement in the quality of life in later episodes.
  • The Enterprise successfully ferries an alien VIP from one place to another without a serious incident.
  • Kirk (or Riker) falls in love with a woman on a planet he visits, and isn’t tragically separated from her at the end of the episode.
  • A redshirt sneaks down a deserted corridor, turns a corner, and suddenly has a surprise birthday party.
  • McCoy says, “On second thought, maybe I’m a carpenter and NOT a doctor after all.”
  • Kirk gets court-martialed for violating the Prime Directive.
  • A major character dies and isn’t resurrected.
  • The Enterprise is involved in a bizarre time-warp experience which is in some way unconnected to the late 20th century.
  • The deflector shields hold through the duration of the battle.
  • The Enterprise encounters nothing analogous to human society in its barbaric days.
  • The crew finds a reason for not letting the computer do everything.
  • A group of nearby spaceships are not all oriented exactly like each other, in an upwards position.
  • A Starfleet admiral gives Picard orders that present no moral dilemma for him and that he is glad to go along with.
  • A conference on some planet that doesn’t involve running through kidnap attempts and dodging time warps to go to/from.
  • Anyone yawning, stretching, scratching, picking their nose, going to the bathroom, taking a bath, adjusting their underwear, burping or otherwise. All of these things, like the need for money, have been eliminated in the future.

    • Top ten signs your Klingon warrior has no honor:

    10. Drinks decaf Raktagino.
    9. Shouts “Where’s the Beef?” before charging into battle.
    8. Despite years of training and experience at the weapons controls of the flagship of the Federation, manages to get defeated by two incompetent sisters and their secondhand Bird of Prey.
    7. Nerf bat’leth.
    6. When they wheel out the bloodwine, he’s always the designated driver.
    5. Constantly getting beaten up by human females.
    4. Abandons son with soft human parents, then acts all surprised when son turns out to be terrible warrior.
    3. Tribble Tamagachi constantly needing to be fed.
    2. Instead of traditional steel soled battle boots, prefers Nike Air Kaeliss’.
    1. Wrist broken twice by alien-possessed chocoholic bunny-suited half Betazoid.

    You know you’re a Deep Space Nine fan when …

    … you write “hew-mon” in the Ethnicity section of the National Census form.
    … you meet your new boss and instead of shaking his hand you grab his ear and try to sense his “pagh.”
    … you examine chairs before sitting down in case they’re actually changelings.
    … you visit New Orleans and spend two days looking for “Sisko’s.”
    … you spend most Saturday afternoons in the garage building a hatching pond for Ensign Vilix’Pran.
    … you build your own clocks to reflect a twenty-six hour day.
    … you cut the palms of all your closest friends whenever you see them.
    … you go to a plastic surgeon to have ridges put on your nose.
    … you’ve learned the names of all the major Earth rivers by memorizing the names of the runabouts.
    … you try to order Raktagino from Starbucks.
    … you work the term “soulless minions of orthodoxy” into casual conversation.
    … you’re addicted to ketracel white (white-out).
    … you refer to your living room as Ops.
    … you refer to your garage as Runabout Pad C.
    … you spent hours at Caesar’s Palace looking for the Dabo tables.
    … you’re strangely attracted to women with unique arrangements of moles on their face.
    … you always sleep lightly in case Sloan shows up with an assignment for you.
    … you see a girl with freckles and you wonder how far down those spots really go.
    … you suspect your tailor of being a spy.
    … your partner mentions foreplay and you ask for “oo-mox.”
    … you scan the shelves of ‘Sven’s Adult Video Store’ for “Vulcan Love Slave Part II — The Revenge.”
    … you name your teddy bear “Kukalaka.”
    … you quote the Rules of Acquisition in your business meetings.
    … you buy a used pool table to modify to play Dom-Jat.
    … you try to order Slug-O-Cola with lunch.
    … you shout “Victory is Life!” when you play sports.
    … you hang your legs over every balcony you can find.
    … you start calling your female friends “old man”.
    … you try to answer your professor’s questions like you are a Prophet: “Calculus? What is this Calculus?”
    … when pregnant you start sneezing.
    … you demand that your salary be given to you in gold-pressed latinum.
    … you sometimes go and see the “evil” version of your friends.
    … whenever you try to go to our nation’s capital, some strange accident occurs and sends you back several hundred years earlier.
    … you use the word “pallie” in your vocabulary once a week.
    … when you hear the word “Alamo,” you don’t think of battle or car rentals, just Miles and Julian.
    … when you hear critters in the walls, you don’t think mice; you think voles!
    … you’ve convinced yourself one of your parents was possessed by a Prophet.
    … you try and teach all of your friends about an old, nearly extinct sport, just so you can beat the hell out of someone you hated from school.
    … when stuck in traffic you listen to Klingon Opera.
    … you want to buy your dad a baseball card (featuring Willy Mays) for a special occasion.
    … you dream of killing your boss, but are afraid he will simply return the following day, as your fresh, new Vorta.
    … instead of sleeping at night you pretend that you rejoin The Great Link for eight hours or so.
    … your song on American Idol is “The Best is Yet To Come.”
    … you refer to your minister as your “vedek.”
    … you go to Roswell demanding to see the evidence the Ferengi left behind.
    … you go to San Francisco and search for a Gabriel Bell.
    … you start trying to find Buck Bokai.
    … you visit the Sydney Opera House and remark how much it looks like Vedek Winn’s hat from Season 1.
    … you refer to your ears as “lobes.”
    … every time something goes wrong in your life you assume Felix built it into your program as a jack-in-the-box.
    … you only wear one earring, in your right ear.
    … your ideal man would have a transparent skull.
    … whenever you leave somewhere, you leave a baseball behind to let them know you’ll be back.

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     Posted by moldor at 12:27
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