MACinations

Collected from around the net, many (ok, MOST) are groan-worthy !!

Reality is for people who can’t handle Star Trek.

Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.

What does a Romulan frog use for camouflage? A croaking device.
(Hey, it came from my 6yo !!!)

The Borg assimilated my species, and all I got was this lousy ocular implant.

Borg Answering Machine Message: WE ARE BORG. RESISTANCE IS FUTILE. YOU WILL BE ASSIMILATED. But we’re not home right now, so leave a message at the tone and we’ll assimilate you later.

We have engaged the Borg. The wedding will be Friday.

How many Borg does it take to change a light bulb? All of them.

How many Cardassians does it take to change a light bulb? That depends on how many lights you see.

How many Federation shuttles does it take to change a light bulb? None. Shuttlecraft don’t last as long as light bulbs.

How many members of the U.S.S. Enterprise does it take to change a light bulb? Seven. Scotty will report to Captain Kirk that the light bulb in the Engineering Section is burnt out, to which Kirk will send Bones to pronounce the bulb dead. Scotty, after checking around, notices that they have no more new light bulbs, and complains that he can’t see in the dark to tend to his engines. Kirk must make an emergency stop at the next uncharted planet, Alpha Regula IV, to procure a light bulb from the natives. Kirk, Spock, Bones, Sulu, and three security officers beam down. The three security officers are promptly killed by the natives, and the rest of the landing party is captured. Meanwhile, back in orbit, Scotty notices a Klingon ship approaching and must warp out of orbit to escape detection. Bones cures the native king who is suffering from the flu, and as a reward the landing party is set free and given all of the light bulbs they can carry. Scotty cripples the Klingon ship and warps back to the planet just in time to beam up Kirk et. al. The new bulb is inserted, and the Enterprise continues with its five year mission.

How many Pakleds does it take to change a light bulb? “What’s a light bulb?”

How many Romulans does it take to change a light bulb? Two. One to change the bulb and one to stab him in the back.

How many Vulcans does it take to change a light bulb? Approximately 1.0000000000.

Signs That STAR TREK is Taking Over Your Life:

• Saying “engage,” “make it so,” or “I’m a doctor, not a …” in casual conversation.
• Becoming indignant that the periodic table doesn’t include dilithium and tritanium.
• Able to use “variable phase inverter” in a sentence without excessive thought first.
• Have figured out the stardate system.
• Being able to speak several nonexistent languages like Klingon, Romulan, or Bajoran.
• You have rigged up your cellular phone or PDA to “chirp” when you open it.
• You have more than one STAR TREK font installed on your computer.
• You don’t need any of the references on this list explained to you.

Things That Never Happen in STAR TREK:

The Enterprise runs into a mysterious energy field of a type it has encountered several times before.

The Enterprise goes to visit a remote outpost of scientists, who are all perfectly all right.

Someone visits the holodeck, and it works properly.

The crew of the Enterprise discovers a totally new life form, which later turns out to be a rather well-known old life form wearing a funny hat.

The crew of the Enterprise is struck by a mysterious plague, for which the only cure can be found in the well-stocked sickbay.

The Captain has to make a difficult decision about a less advanced people which is made a great deal easier by the Starfleet Prime Directive.

An enigmatic being composed of pure energy attempts to interface with the Enterprise’s computer, only to find out that it has forgotten to bring the right leads.

A power surge on the Bridge is rapidly and correctly diagnosed as a faulty capacitor by the highly-trained and competent engineering staff.

The Enterprise is captured by a vastly superior alien intelligence which does not put them on trial.

The Enterprise is captured by a vastly inferior alien intelligence which they easily pacify by offering it some sweeties.

The Enterprise visits an earth-type planet called “Paradise” where everyone is happy all of the time. However, everything is soon revealed to be exactly what it seems.

A major Starfleet emergency breaks out near the Enterprise, but fortunately some other ships in the area are able to deal with it to everyone’s satisfaction.

Spock (or Data) is fired from his high-ranking position for not being able to understand the most basic nuances of about one in three sentences that anyone says to him.

An intruder is unable to figure out how to use the transporter.

Someone on the Enterprise meets a long-estranged relative and doesn’t suffer emotional turmoil.

Someone attempts to hijack the Enterprise and is foiled by the alert and competent Security staff.

A member of the crew is taken over by an alien entity and everyone else finds it’s an improvement.

A systems failure on the Enterprise affects the artificial gravity generators and nothing else.

The Enterprise encounters a spatial anomaly and merrily ignores it.

An android race turns out to be completely friendly and not threatening or menacing in any way.

The mysterious a giant threatening object is on a direct course for some world other than Earth.

McCoy says, “He’ll live, Jim.”

Artificial intelligence and android technology make human exploration of the galaxy obsolete.

The crew beams down to a planet that requires them to wear space suits or that has a gravity so strong it prevents them from moving around.

An information exchange with a vastly superior race directly leads to new technology and an improvement in the quality of life in later episodes.

The Enterprise successfully ferries an alien VIP from one place to another without a serious incident.

Kirk (or Riker) falls in love with a woman on a planet he visits, and isn’t tragically separated from her at the end of the episode.

A redshirt sneaks down a deserted corridor, turns a corner, and suddenly has a surprise birthday party.

McCoy says, “On second thought, maybe I’m a carpenter and NOT a doctor after all.”

Kirk gets court-martialed for violating the Prime Directive.

A major character dies and isn’t resurrected.

The Enterprise is involved in a bizarre time-warp experience which is in some way unconnected to the late 20th century.

The deflector shields hold through the duration of the battle.

The Enterprise encounters nothing analogous to human society in its barbaric days.

The crew finds a reason for not letting the computer do everything.

A group of nearby spaceships are not all oriented exactly like each other, in an upwards position.

A Starfleet admiral gives Picard orders that present no moral dilemma for him and that he is glad to go along with.

A conference on some planet that doesn’t involve running through kidnap attempts and dodging time warps to go to/from.

Anyone yawning, stretching, scratching, picking their nose, going to the bathroom, taking a bath, adjusting their underwear, burping or otherwise. All of these things, like the need for money, have been eliminated in the future.

Top ten signs your Klingon warrior has no honor:

10. Drinks decaf Raktagino.
9. Shouts “Where’s the Beef?” before charging into battle.
8. Despite years of training and experience at the weapons controls of the flagship of the Federation, manages to get defeated by two incompetent sisters and their secondhand Bird of Prey.
7. Nerf bat’leth.
6. When they wheel out the bloodwine, he’s always the designated driver.
5. Constantly getting beaten up by human females.
4. Abandons son with soft human parents, then acts all surprised when son turns out to be terrible warrior.
3. Tribble Tamagachi constantly needing to be fed.
2. Instead of traditional steel soled battle boots, prefers Nike Air Kaeliss’.
1. Wrist broken twice by alien-possessed chocoholic bunny-suited half Betazoid.

You know you’re a Deep Space Nine fan when …

… you write “hew-mon” in the Ethnicity section of the National Census form.
… you meet your new boss and instead of shaking his hand you grab his ear and try to sense his “pagh.”
… you examine chairs before sitting down in case they’re actually changelings.
… you visit New Orleans and spend two days looking for “Sisko’s.”
… you spend most Saturday afternoons in the garage building a hatching pond for Ensign Vilix’Pran.
… you build your own clocks to reflect a twenty-six hour day.
… you cut the palms of all your closest friends whenever you see them.
… you go to a plastic surgeon to have ridges put on your nose.
… you’ve learned the names of all the major Earth rivers by memorizing the names of the runabouts.
… you try to order Raktagino from Starbucks.
… you work the term “soulless minions of orthodoxy” into casual conversation.
… you’re addicted to ketracel white (white-out).
… you refer to your living room as Ops.
… you refer to your garage as Runabout Pad C.
… you spent hours at Caesar’s Palace looking for the Dabo tables.
… you’re strangely attracted to women with unique arrangements of moles on their face.
… you always sleep lightly in case Sloan shows up with an assignment for you.
… you see a girl with freckles and you wonder how far down those spots really go.
… you suspect your tailor of being a spy.
… your partner mentions foreplay and you ask for “oo-mox.”
… you scan the shelves of ‘Sven’s Adult Video Store’ for “Vulcan Love Slave Part II — The Revenge.”
… you name your teddy bear “Kukalaka.”
… you quote the Rules of Acquisition in your business meetings.
… you buy a used pool table to modify to play Dom-Jat.
… you try to order Slug-O-Cola with lunch.
… you shout “Victory is Life!” when you play sports.
… you hang your legs over every balcony you can find.
… you start calling your female friends “old man”.
… you try to answer your professor’s questions like you are a Prophet: “Calculus? What is this Calculus?”
… when pregnant you start sneezing.
… you demand that your salary be given to you in gold-pressed latinum.
… you sometimes go and see the “evil” version of your friends.
… whenever you try to go to our nation’s capital, some strange accident occurs and sends you back several hundred years earlier.
… you use the word “pallie” in your vocabulary once a week.
… when you hear the word “Alamo,” you don’t think of battle or car rentals, just Miles and Julian.
… when you hear critters in the walls, you don’t think mice; you think voles!
… you’ve convinced yourself one of your parents was possessed by a Prophet.
… you try and teach all of your friends about an old, nearly extinct sport, just so you can beat the hell out of someone you hated from school.
… when stuck in traffic you listen to Klingon Opera.
… you want to buy your dad a baseball card (featuring Willy Mays) for a special occasion.
… you dream of killing your boss, but are afraid he will simply return the following day, as your fresh, new Vorta.
… instead of sleeping at night you pretend that you rejoin The Great Link for eight hours or so.
… your song on American Idol is “The Best is Yet To Come.”
… you refer to your minister as your “vedek.”
… you go to Roswell demanding to see the evidence the Ferengi left behind.
… you go to San Francisco and search for a Gabriel Bell.
… you start trying to find Buck Bokai.
… you visit the Sydney Opera House and remark how much it looks like Vedek Winn’s hat from Season 1.
… you refer to your ears as “lobes.”
… every time something goes wrong in your life you assume Felix built it into your program as a jack-in-the-box.
… you only wear one earring, in your right ear.
… your ideal man would have a transparent skull.
… whenever you leave somewhere, you leave a baseball behind to let them know you’ll be back.