MACinations » Humor

Is your job a pain in the ass ??

moldor — Thu, 10 Jun 2010 20:00:22 +0000

We all experience times when our job, no matter how great and enjoyable, becomes only slightly more enjoyable than a case of haemorrhoids. Here is some sage advice from a work colleague that should make your troubles pale into insignificance;

When you have a “I Hate My Job” day, try this:

On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson. Be very sure you get this brand.

When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed.

Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favorite chair. Open the package and remove the thermometer.

Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken.

Now the fun part begins. Take out the literature from the box and read it carefully. You will notice that in small print there is a statement:

“Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson is personally tested and then sanitized “.

Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times, “I am so glad I do not work in the thermometer quality control department at Johnson & Johnson.”

Be aware – they walk among us !!

moldor — Tue, 08 Jun 2010 07:08:01 +0000

(With thanks to @pighunt on Twitter…:-) )

IDIOT SIGHTING #1.
My daughter and I went through the McDonald’s take-out window and I gave the server a £5 note. Our total was £4.20, so I also handed her a 20 pence piece. She said, ‘You gave me too much money.’

I said, ‘Yes I know, but this way you can just give me £1 back.’

She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request.

I did so and he handed me back the 20 pence and said, ‘We’re sorry but we do not do that kind of thing.’

The server then proceeded to give me back 80 pence in change.

Do not confuse the staff at MacDonald’s.

IDIOT SIGHTING #2.
Happened in Moor Park, near Watford. We had to have the garage door repaired. The GARADOR repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a ‘large’ enough motor on the opener.

I thought for a moment, and said that we had the largest one GARADOR made at that time, a ½ horsepower.

He shook his head and said, ‘Lady, you need a ¼ horsepower.’

I responded that ½ was larger than ¼ and he said, ’Nooo, it’s not. Four is larger than two.’

We haven’t used GARADOR since.

IDIOT SIGHTING #3.
I live in Potters Bar, Hertfordshire, a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbour call the highways department to request the removal of the ‘DEER CROSSING’ sign on our road.

The reason: ‘Too many deer are being hit by cars on this stretch of road! I don’t think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.’

IDIOT SIGHTING #4.
My daughter went to a local Kentucky Fried Chicken in South Oxhey, Hertfordshire,and ordered a Taco. She asked the person behind the counter for ‘minimal lettuce.’

He said he was sorry, but they only had Iceberg Lettuce.

IDIOT SIGHTING #5.
I was at Luton Airport airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, ‘Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?’

To which I replied, ‘If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?’ He smiled knowingly and nodded, ‘That’s why we ask.’

IDIOT SIGHTING #6.
The traffic light on the corner buzzes when it’s on red and safe to cross the road. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged friend of mine.

She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for.

I explained that it signals to blind people when the light is red.

Appalled, she responded, ‘What on earth are blind people doing driving?!’

She is a Local County Council employee in Harrow, Middlesex.

IDIOT SIGHTING #7.
When my husband and I arrived at our local Ford dealer in St Albans, Hertfordshire, to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the Service Department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver’s door.

As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. ‘Hey,’ I announced to the mechanic, ‘its open!’

His reply: ‘I know. I already did that side.’

STAY ALERT – They walk amongst us.

Life Explained

moldor — Wed, 02 Jun 2010 00:17:49 +0000

On the first day, God created the dog and said, “Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in … or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.”

The dog said, “That’s a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I’ll give you back the other ten?”

So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said, “Entertain the other animals, do tricks and make them laugh. For this, I’ll give you a twenty-year life span.”

The monkey said, “Monkey tricks for twenty years? That’s a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?”

And God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow and said, “You must go into the field with the farmer all long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer’s family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.”

The cow said, “That’s kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I’ll give back the other forty?”

And God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created humans and said, “Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I’ll give you twenty years.”

But the human said, “Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?”

“Okay,” said God. “You asked for it.”

So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.