MACinations

Misconception Number 1: Mums miss their kids when they go back to school.

Seriously. I’ve had enough of you by now. Every morning with the “what are we going to do today, Mum?” is finally over. I’ve had looked at your face twenty-four seven for the last 77 days.

It’s time to go learn something. No more asking me about the pool, when is the next snack or if you can stay up late and watch a movie. It’s over.

You’re going back to Hogwarts and I get to have a life again. There is a Christmas morning for parents and it’s called “back to school”.

Misconception Number 2: Mums like to go school shopping.

Are you freaking kidding me? Why do I pay taxes? So I can rack up a $200 bill at OfficeWorks for stuff that we have laying around my house in junk drawers.

Why does it have to be new pencils? What’s wrong with the chewed up, broken Strawberry Shortcake pencils sitting in the bottom of the toy box for the last six months?

And how many subject books can you possibly need? What happened to reading, writing and arithmetic?

If they added a couple of things for parents to that list I wouldn’t mind so much … why not pencils, erasers and vodka?

Misconception Number 3: Mums like back to school night.

Why must we do this every year? I got it already. You’re the teacher. I’m the parent. My kid is either going to be smart or dumb. If he gets a certain number of colored dots on his discipline chart, he can’t get a prize from the prize box.

Pretty simple stuff. Listen, I’m pretty old school. If he doesn’t listen to you, you can throw something at him. I don’t care. But I have a lot of work to do at home and I’m paying a babysitter right now.

Plus, I’m pretty sure you are going to assign some project on some Indian tribe I’ve never heard of, so I need to get home and start my research.

So, I got it. We’re all here for the betterment of the kids. Blah Blah. Can I leave now?

Misconception Number 4: Mums like school paperwork.

How many trees are you planning to kill in order to tell me the same stuff I had to pay a babysitter to listen to the other night?

You know our name, where we live and our emergency phone numbers. He doesn’t have a nickname. Call him “stink butt” for all I care. We don’t have any “special circumstances” that you need to know about. He lives in a home with two parents who may or may not like each other at any given time and they will fight.

If that qualifies as a reason he can’t get his homework done on time then he won’t be able to function as an adult and have a real job so you may want to ”educate” him on that life lesson.

Misconception Number 5: Mums like covering books in that annoying sticky paper.

What exactly will you be doing with these books that I have to cover them in a plastic laminate?

Do you often teach in the rain? Or while the children are drinking soda and eating soup? Do you know how long that takes? Has any parent in the history of education been able to do it without any air bubbles in it?

From now on I’m covering books the old way, with brown paper bags. That way I can cover the books and pack their lunches at the same time. Who says mums can’t multitask?

PS. If my son can’t find his lunch, please tell him to look in his science book.

Misconception Number 6: Mums like helping you with your homework.

What?!? I am scared out of my mind. I’m pretty sure that I forgot everything I learned in fifth grade by the time I was in sixth grade.

I have no idea what you are talking about most days. I don’t really know my 12 times tables. I read the Cliff’s Notes to all your summer reading and I don’t know how to conjugate anything. I do know that song, “Conjunction Junction What’s Your Function,” if that helps at all.

And please don’t even say the words “New Math” to me. What the heck was wrong the old one? Other than that I didn’t get it.

Misconception Number 7: Mums can’t wait to pack your lunch every day

I hate doing laundry. Making dinner every night is the bane of my existence, so making your lunch every day for an entire year, in terms of “mum fun”, lies somewhere between brushing plaque off the dogs’ teeth and scheduling my annual mammogram.

Listen, as a child I hated what my mum packed me for lunch. But, like every kid before me and every generation to come, you will find a kid to trade with. I’m sure someone likes sardines.

Misconception Number 8: Mums love after school activities.

I don’t know who made up this idea of organized clubs and sports but they should be the ones in charge of carting your backside around.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not against all after school programs. I just wish they would offer it during hours that would work best for me so that dinner wasn’t at 8:30 at night followed by 4 hours of homework.

Why not do it on the weekends and call it “after-hours activities” so mummy and daddy could actually go out one night and pretend that we have a life of our own.

Don’t worry about us though — I’m sure that “what’s his name” and I will be married a very long time.

Misconception Number 9: Mums don’t mind taking you to school if you miss the bus.

Your bus comes at 7:10 AM, which means that you should be standing by the door at 7:05 AM. Not eating breakfast, chasing the dog around the house or in the bathroom asking me to check your homework while I’m taking a shower.

Get it together! I don’t like running down the street in my jammies at 7:12 screaming “Please wait”.

Misconception Number 10: Mums cry on your first day of school.

We do cry but they are tears of joy.

I have done my job. I have successfully kept a human child alive for at least 5 years without doing any major damage.

Motherhood is the hardest job in the world!! Sure, doctors save lives and CEO’s run billion dollar businesses. But you teach a kid not to soil their pants and then you can truly say you’ve made the world a better place.

 

Electrocution

Is he/she still connected to the power supply? If so, SWITCH OFF THE POWER IMMEDIATELY. Electricity costs an absolute fortune, and it would be going to waste.

Check the victims pulse, (if you can find their wrist amongst the stack of charred bones and greasy, bubbling flesh that was once a human being). And do try not to be squeamish about it.

Drive the victim to the nearest casualty ward. You can use him/her to jumpstart the engine as well if need be.

Treating burns and scalds

Run the affected area under a cold tap as soon as possible. (N.B. If the victim’s entire body is a swirling mass of flames it may a little too late for this).

If the victim has spilt hot liquid over his/her clothes, then REMOVE CLOTHING IMMEDIATELY. You can never tell, the sight of you parading around naked may cheer them up and take their mind off their injury.

Remind the victim that worse things happen at sea. Cite drowning as an example.

Fractures and broken limbs

Check the injured area to see if the break or fracture has resulted in a tubular shard of shearing white bone jutting outwards through the bloody mass of flesh. If it has, then tell the victim that they are going to die. That always puts the wind up them.

Tie a splint to the victims leg and ask them to walk up and down for a few minutes. They will probably fall down unconscious, making the rest of your job easier.

Do not move the broken or fractured limb as this may result in an abnormal position. However, if you’re feeling daring, try pointing legs in the wrong direction, bending wrists through 180 degrees, etc.

It really is amazing the number of fascinating contortions you can produce. Far better than Play-Doh.

Choking On Food

Try to dislodge the article blocking the victims windpipe by punching them hard in the stomach. Do remember to duck before the particles of food hit you in the eye, however.

Call the waiter and ask for a 20 percent reduction on the bill.

Make a mental note to order soup next time.

Objects Stuck In The Eye

Rinse the victims eye in lukewarm water. DO NOT USE SOAP AS WELL, IDIOT.

Offer to pick the object out of the victims eye with your teeth. This usually results in the object mysteriously “going away” and not bothering the victim any more before you can get to it.

Concussion

When the victim comes round, ask them what day it is, who the Prime Minister is, how many fingers you are holding up. To make it more difficult, hold the fingers up behind your back. Then tot up the victims score and send it to me at this address:- Dr. Brain D’Eath, Concussion Quiz, P.O.Box 312, London, the highest score wins a mystery prize.

Talk in Swahili to disorientate the victim a bit more. Yes, there’s a whole bundle of laughs when it comes to concussion.

Here’s a good one: before the victim comes round, switch off all the lights. When he/she regains consciousness, shout “Thank God! We thought you might be dead, or blinded or something.